Just 4 Fun

Funny Story

Unlucky Young Man

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and
asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really
hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're
 having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got
a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that."

"Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me
 the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her
parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins
 the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were
such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your
father is a pharmacist."

Caught Speeding

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car,
 and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half
drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car
and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a
driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse
and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch
purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you
didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you
murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

How To Loose 25 Inches

Once upon a time there was a man with a 25 inch penis.

Any guy would be excited to have such a big penis, but this man
was not.

So one day his friend told him about a witch who could help him.

So the friend gave the man the witch's address.

The next day he visited the witch.

After telling the witch his problems she asked to she his penis.

After showing her, she thought for awhile and finally came up with
an answer.

"Go into the woods and find a frog.

Ask the frog to marry you and each time it says no, your gigantic
jewels will shrink 5 inches."

The man quickly ran to the woods.

After searching for an hour he finally found a frog.

He ran up to it and asked it to marry him.

"NO Thank You" the frog said.

The man looked down and watched his penis go from 25 inches
to 20.

The man asked the frog two more times, and again, it replied no.

Once he was at 15 inches he thought 10 inches would be perfect,
so he went up to the frog and asked it to marry him.

The frog replied.

"How many times do I have to tell you.... NO, NO, NO"

The man looked down at his jewels and watched it go from 15 to
10, and from 10 to 5, and finally from 5 to not even a centimeter.

Teaching the Tribe

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how
to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is
to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the
natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts
walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little
farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he
hears rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a
couple in the midst of heavy... activity. The padre is really
flustered and quickly responds,
"Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and
kills them.The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he
has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to
each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood
that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

Bad Example

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man
called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a
"bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard
mean?"and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said
"feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?"
and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit"
he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the
man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself,
"Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the
mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives
and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties
in the closet, mydad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my
mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

Two Candy's

A janitor is cleaning the church, when suddenly the priest runs out
if  the confession booth.

He bumps into the janitor and tells him to cover for him because
he had run to the bathroom.

Surprised, the janitor tells the priest that he doesn't know anything
about confessions.

The priest hands him a sheet of paper and tells him to find the sin
on  the list and it will tell you how many Hail Mary's to give.

So the janotir goes in and then a lady goes in for her confession.

She says,"I'm cheating on my husband." The janitor thinks, says
it's adultery and looks it up the the paper, that'll be two Hail Mary's

The lady says, "That's not all, I also slept with him." The janitor
thinks again,says it's adultery and looks it up the the paper, that'll
be two more Hail Mary's.

Then she says, "I also gave him a blowjob." The janitor looks on
the paperand can't find the word "blowjob".

He gets nervous and runs out of the booth looking for help.
He finally reaches a little alter boy and asks him, "What does the
priest usually give for a blowjob?"
The little alter boy looks at him and says, "Two candy's"

I Don't Think So!

Kate was standing in the kitchen cooking dinner.

Her husband Paul was in the living room drinking a beer and
watching the game.

"Honey, you need to come in here and fix the fridge. The door
is broke and if you don't fix it the food will go bad." Kate said.

Paul yells back, "Who do I look like the GE man, I Don't think so."

A little while later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the hall light,
it's out."

"Who do I look like an electrician, I don't think so, " Paul says.

A few minutes later Kate says, "Honey, you need to fix the porch
step before someone gets hurt on it."

Paul quickly replies, "Who do I look like a carpenter, I don't
think so."

Frustrated, he gets up and leaves.

He decides to go to a bar down the road.

After the game was over, he began to feel slightly guilty for the
way he treated his wife so he went on home.

He comes up the porch and realizes that the step is fixed.

He walked into the house and noticed that the hall light was fixed.

He walked into the kitchen to get a cold beer and noticed that the
fridge was fixed.

Paul sees his wife and says, "Babe, how did you fix all this."

She looked at him and said, "Well after you left I began to cry on
the porch.

A fine young man walked past and noticed I was crying and he
asked me what he could do to help.

He fixed everything.

I asked him what I could do for payment.

He said I could either bake him a cake or sleep with him."

Paul says, "Well, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

Kate looks at him and replies,
"Who do I look like Betty Crocker, I don't think so!"